I am happy to say that I have finally beaten Duke Nukem Forever, and I have to say that it was, well, mediocre. On a scale of 1-10 I have to give the game a solid 5. Don't get me wrong, there is a LOT wrong with this game which I will get into shortly, but I don't think it really deserves the brutal treatment it has been receiving from various pompous reviewers who just decided to use this game as a punching bag like Duke Nukem does on the nether regions of various bosses.
Let me start with the bosses. It is rare that I have seen a game where nearly all the boss fights are solved in exactly the same manner. Yes, in FPS games most of the bosses are killed simply by shooting the other guy more than he shoots you, but in this game, at least 90% of the bosses follow the same formula: Fire all your explosive weapons at the thing, run to the ammo refill (think Ammo piles in L4D), refill and empty your explosive weapons again, run back to the ammo refill, wash rinse repeat, until the energy is drained and you run up to the fallen thing and initiate the appropriate button mashing QTE. This does lead to rather tedious and uninspired boss fights, although I will admit it did reach a fevered pitch at the final boss fight where you actually had to kill other enemies and take their explosive rounds (Oh, only explosive rounds work on bosses) to use on the boss, leading to an extremely hectic and tense fight. To be fair, I was able to beat it on the first try, and thank God I did, since you have to drain the guy's energy 3 times, each time with increasing difficulty, and I can't imagine dying while on the 3rd draining process and being told to take it again from the top. And finally, you literally face the same bosses that you fought in Duke Nukem 3D. Sure they've been given a visual upgrade and they vary SLIGHTLY with their moves but they are easily recognizable. Hell, the very first level in the game has you literally re-enact the final boss fight of DN3D in the football stadium.
Ironically, you use many of the same weapons in this game as you did in DN3D, but for some reason they don't seem to be as fun as it was back then. I think this has most to do with the inexplicable implementation of Halo/CoD/Crysis style of 2 weapons, reloading, and limited ammo. For example, the Rocket Propelled Grenade (RPG) can hold only 5 or 6 rockets, while in DN3D it could hold 50. Also, holding just 2 weapons is a messed up rule for a guy who is basically billed as a 1 man army. Also, it seems like the "fun" weapons aren't utilized as much as they were in DN3D. You get the shrink ray on maybe 3 separate occasions in the game (and there's no expander version like in DN3D: Atomic) and you don't get the freeze gun until the 3rd act, and it is a regenerative gun that refills VERY slowly.
Another thing is that this game still feels incomplete from a story perspective. To be fair, the actual "story" and levels of DNF have changed SOOO many times over the years it's easy to get confused, but some of what I saw was either incomplete or just HORRIBLE story design. The biggest example of this is at the end of the first act, where you finish a major battle and Duke basically passes out while waiting for help to extract him. From there, Duke apparently enters a completely superfluous dream sequence that takes place in a strip club where your task is to get some popcorn, a vibrator, and a condom for a girl so she can give you a private dance. I am not making that up. Oh, and on the Xbox 360 version with its graphic issues this was about as "stimulating" as watching Marge Simpson dance. Then, Duke apparently "wakes up" from his dream in a helicopter entering a hot zone to start the 2nd act. I have to believe there were supposed to be some levels in between these sections, because if not that is some remarkably atrocious storytelling.
Finally, the game for some reason implements a jarring amount of platforming sections, and for the most part they are rather annoying. I haven't seen so much platforming since their last game, Shadow Warrior, and there's a good reason why it has died out. There is one level where Duke needs to jump across to various platforms in the kitchen of a restaurant to turn off the electricity that causes the floor to electrify, and this was the most frustrating part of the game. These also were not helped by the tiring loading times that plague the console versions of this game, although I've heard it is much better on the PC. If I can give a tip, if you have the 360 version install the disc to your HDD.
Even with all these problems, I still found DNF to be rather enjoyable for one main reason: It was something DIFFERENT. Today's FPS games are so similar and monotonous that even through the bad level design and sub par graphics I viewed DNF as a breath of fresh air. When I think back to the last few recent release FPS games I played (CoD 6 and 7, Halo: Reach, Medal of Honor, Homefront) all the experiences have been so alike that I forgot how much fun it is to play an unrealistic shooter once in a while.Even though DNF still suffered from regenerative health and 2 weapon combat, it felt good to execute a downed enemy by kicking him in the teeth, or fire a rocket in a pig's face and watch them explode into pieces as opposed to watching the body rag doll everywhere. Also, the mini-games and various interactions that help increase ego provided the nice occasional escape as opposed to just dealing with a constant, serious tone. In addition, it was good to play as someone who actually had something resembling a personality, as opposed to a silent protagonist or someone who just speaks in regular scripted situations. Finally, I found the typical loading screen "tips" to be rather amusing at times, with messages such as "When being fired at, try to avoid the bullets" and "If you're stuck on a part, don't worry. There's a bunch of FAQS online you can use to cheat your way past it."
In conclusion, Duke Nukem Forever expectedly did not live up to the hype brought with being in development for over a decade, but I would still argue that it is at least an amusing ride, as opposed to the complete travesty that numerous reviewers have claimed it to be. Of course, it is by NO means worth the $50/$60 that it is currently being charged for and is better served as a rental or picked via some sort of sale, but if you're looking for something familiar yet different, DNF may be worth your time.
Anyway, I've decided to save my buckazoids and pass on purchasing this...er, game/mess. Sure, I'll pick it up on the $10 shelf in a few months. I've waited 14-years for this POS so they can certainly wait on me.
