New Rules

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Toddytime

Toddytime

Thread Starter
SatelliteGuys Family
May 23, 2004
66
0
East Tennessee
New Rules

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Here are the New Rules......
>
> New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for
> Classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to
> people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly
> like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of
> the football team is doing these days: He's mowing my lawn.
>
> New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out
> a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting
> all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of
> Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What
> did you expect it to contain? Trout? Luckily, it was
> only a finger! If it was a whole hand, Congress would
> have voted to keep it alive.
>
> New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex
> with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently
> damaged. I have a better description for these kids:
> lucky bastards.
>
> New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's
> how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two
> of them? Okay, we're done.
>
> New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water.
> There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket,
> water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but
> flavored water is called a soft drink. You want
> flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it
> melt. That's your flavored water.
>
> New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order,
> the bigger the a$$hole. If you walk into a Starbucks
> and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced
> vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra
> dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one
> NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge a$$hole.
>
> New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese
> characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's
> right above the crack of your ass. And it translates
> to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did
> anything spiritual, you were praying to God you
> weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just
> high.
>
> New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one
> of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the
> US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those
> athletes at the poker table was just too damned
> exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait.
> They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard
> Stern Show."
>
> New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies
> based on crappy, old television shows, then you have
> to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can
> see what's playing on the other screens. Let's
> remember the reason something was a television show in
> the first place is the idea wasn't good enough to be a
> movie.
>
> New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used
> to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new
> homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the
> stuff you want and having other people buy it for you
> isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of
> looting.
>
> New Rule, and this one is long overdue: No more
> bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is
> offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex
> with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's
> supposed to be there, or just some freak with a
> fetish. I don't want to be on your web cam, dude. I
> just want to wash my hands.
>
> New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't
> need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will
> do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really
> care in the first place
__________________
 
chaddux

chaddux

Insert Clever Phrase Here
Supporting Founder
Sep 19, 2004
1,847
26
DMA 114
Those are hilarious! Sadly, too many are true.
 
HCI

HCI

SatelliteGuys Pro
Jun 19, 2005
2,580
1
land of the ice and snow
> New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex
> with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently
> damaged. I have a better description for these kids:
> lucky bastards.

All for this one!!!!!!111
 
BrettTRay

BrettTRay

SatelliteGuys Pro
Jun 16, 2004
977
0
'Bama
Thats great!!!! I had to show my girlfriend that one.
 
Purogamer

Purogamer

SatelliteGuys Pro
Supporting Founder
Jul 19, 2005
2,365
0
Mentor, Ohio
Did you show her the post or the year-old episode of "Real Time with Bill Maher" that they came from uncredited?

Yes, I don't get the idea that these boys who sleep with their hot teachers are weird...I think most of us had that one teacher that we kind of felt funny about, but she damn sure didn't look like these sluts I keep seeing on tv...
 
Van

Van

SatelliteGuys Master
Jul 8, 2004
9,316
1
Virginia Beach
There werent any hot teachers in high school or junior high for that matter but I had a 5th grade teacher that made me take a strong liking to scandanavian women, she was such a distraction with her long blond hair, blue eyes and huge bust ( at 12 - 13 any hot womans chest is huge ) that all the boys hit puberty overnight and she actually had to leave the middle school and go to the elementary school next door to teach.
 
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