New Rules
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Here are the New Rules......
>
> New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for
> Classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to
> people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly
> like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of
> the football team is doing these days: He's mowing my lawn.
>
> New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out
> a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting
> all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of
> Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What
> did you expect it to contain? Trout? Luckily, it was
> only a finger! If it was a whole hand, Congress would
> have voted to keep it alive.
>
> New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex
> with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently
> damaged. I have a better description for these kids:
> lucky bastards.
>
> New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's
> how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two
> of them? Okay, we're done.
>
> New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water.
> There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket,
> water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but
> flavored water is called a soft drink. You want
> flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it
> melt. That's your flavored water.
>
> New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order,
> the bigger the a$$hole. If you walk into a Starbucks
> and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced
> vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra
> dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one
> NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge a$$hole.
>
> New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese
> characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's
> right above the crack of your ass. And it translates
> to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did
> anything spiritual, you were praying to God you
> weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just
> high.
>
> New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one
> of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the
> US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those
> athletes at the poker table was just too damned
> exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait.
> They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard
> Stern Show."
>
> New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies
> based on crappy, old television shows, then you have
> to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can
> see what's playing on the other screens. Let's
> remember the reason something was a television show in
> the first place is the idea wasn't good enough to be a
> movie.
>
> New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used
> to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new
> homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the
> stuff you want and having other people buy it for you
> isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of
> looting.
>
> New Rule, and this one is long overdue: No more
> bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is
> offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex
> with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's
> supposed to be there, or just some freak with a
> fetish. I don't want to be on your web cam, dude. I
> just want to wash my hands.
>
> New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't
> need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will
> do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really
> care in the first place
__________________
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Here are the New Rules......
>
> New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for
> Classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to
> people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly
> like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of
> the football team is doing these days: He's mowing my lawn.
>
> New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out
> a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting
> all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of
> Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What
> did you expect it to contain? Trout? Luckily, it was
> only a finger! If it was a whole hand, Congress would
> have voted to keep it alive.
>
> New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex
> with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently
> damaged. I have a better description for these kids:
> lucky bastards.
>
> New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's
> how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two
> of them? Okay, we're done.
>
> New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water.
> There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket,
> water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but
> flavored water is called a soft drink. You want
> flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it
> melt. That's your flavored water.
>
> New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order,
> the bigger the a$$hole. If you walk into a Starbucks
> and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced
> vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra
> dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one
> NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge a$$hole.
>
> New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese
> characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's
> right above the crack of your ass. And it translates
> to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did
> anything spiritual, you were praying to God you
> weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just
> high.
>
> New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one
> of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the
> US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those
> athletes at the poker table was just too damned
> exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait.
> They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard
> Stern Show."
>
> New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies
> based on crappy, old television shows, then you have
> to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can
> see what's playing on the other screens. Let's
> remember the reason something was a television show in
> the first place is the idea wasn't good enough to be a
> movie.
>
> New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used
> to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new
> homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the
> stuff you want and having other people buy it for you
> isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of
> looting.
>
> New Rule, and this one is long overdue: No more
> bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is
> offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex
> with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's
> supposed to be there, or just some freak with a
> fetish. I don't want to be on your web cam, dude. I
> just want to wash my hands.
>
> New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't
> need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will
> do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really
> care in the first place
__________________
