Redneck joke of the day (1 Viewer)

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navychop

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Jul 20, 2005
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Have fun. It's life. And it's over too soon.

And I love the look on this woman's face. Amongst other things.
 

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lakebum431

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Sep 5, 2005
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navychop said:
Have fun. It's life. And it's over too soon.

And I love the look on this woman's face. Amongst other things.

That woman has a face?????? ;)

Sent from my iPad using SatelliteGuys
 

dfergie

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HERE TO HELP YOU!
Redneck Rules of Etiquette

Personal Hygiene

* While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
* Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
* Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.

Dining Out

* When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the wine.
* If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.

Entertaining in your Home

* A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
* Do not allow the dog to eat at the table... no matter how good his manners are.

Dating (Outside the Family)

* Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
* Be aggressive. Let her know you are interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the men's bathroom wall two years ago. "
* Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 pm; Others might say Monday. If it is the latter, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

Theater Etiquette

* Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
* Refrain from talking to characters on the screen.Tests have proven they can't hear you.

Weddings

* Livestock is usually a poor choice for a wedding gift.
* Kissing the bride more than five seconds may get you shot.
* For the groom, at least rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cumberbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

Driving Etiquette

* Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.
* When approaching a four way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
* Never tow another car using pantyhose and duct tape.
* When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring beer back.
* Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.
* Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

Tips for all Occasions

* Never take a beer to a job interview.
* Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
* It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
* If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
* Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-haul to the funeral home.


 
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Kraven

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Jun 2, 2012
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Northern, VT
Canada doesn't have rednecks, but we have Newfies.

Q: Why wasn't Jesus Christ born in Newfoundland?

A: because God couldnt find 3 wise men and a virgin
 

dfergie

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HERE TO HELP YOU!
Some Things You Just Can’t Explain

A farmer is sitting in the neighborhood bar getting soused. A man comes in and asks the farmer, “Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?”
Farmer: “Some things you just can’t explain.”

Man: “So what happened that’s so horrible?”
Farmer: “Well, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked over the bucket.”

Man: “Ok, but that’s not so bad.”
Farmer: “Some things you just can’t explain.”

Man: “So what happened then?”
Farmer: “I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left.”

Man: “And then?”
Farmer: “Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket.”

Man: “Again?”
Farmer: “Some things you just can’t explain.”

Man: “So, what did you do then?”
Farmer: “I took her right leg this time, and tied it to the post on the right.”

Man: “And then?”
Farmer: “Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as got the bucket about full, when the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail.”

Man: “Hmmm . . . “
Farmer: “Some things you just can’t explain.”

Man: “So, then what did you do?”
Farmer: “Well, I didn’t have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in.”
 

stimpson

Miller Lite Tester
Oct 2, 2006
4,701
46
Benton, Arkansas
A farmer is sitting in the neighborhood bar getting soused. A man comes in and asks the farmer, ?Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?? Farmer: ?Some things you just can?t explain.? Man: ?So what happened that?s so horrible?? Farmer: ?Well, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked over the bucket.? Man: ?Ok, but that?s not so bad.? Farmer: ?Some things you just can?t explain.? Man: ?So what happened then?? Farmer: ?I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left.? Man: ?And then?? Farmer: ?Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket.? Man: ?Again?? Farmer: ?Some things you just can?t explain.? Man: ?So, what did you do then?? Farmer: ?I took her right leg this time, and tied it to the post on the right.? Man: ?And then?? Farmer: ?Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as got the bucket about full, when the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail.? Man: ?Hmmm . . . ? Farmer: ?Some things you just can?t explain.? Man: ?So, then what did you do?? Farmer: ?Well, I didn?t have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in.?

So I'm not the only one that's happened to!!!!!!;):)

Sent from my iPhone 5 using SatelliteGuys
 

dfergie

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Staff member
HERE TO HELP YOU!
A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying, "
God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa."

The father asked, 'Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?'

The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."

The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence.

A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this,
"God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma.."

The next day the grandmother died.

"Holy [censored]" thought the father, "this kid is in contact with the other side."

Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say, "God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy."

He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office.
He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock.
He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee,
Looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived; he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.

When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late. What's the matter?"

He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."

She said, "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning, my golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson!"
 
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