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Reality shows Cablevision more entertaining off court

The Knicks defeated the shorthanded Washington Wizards last night at the Garden, 93-83, winning their seventh straight home game, a sports event that carried all the weight and permanence of a 20-second timeout.

The Knicks are playing better now, too late, and the owners are so spiteful they won't let their own audience watch on television. It is getting very, very hard for my editor to pretend the Knicks will carry the sports dialogue from now until April 3, when the Yanks finally open against the Red Sox.

The Knicks have 22 games left, only 10 of them at home. They won't make the playoffs unless they go at least 15-7 and you will excuse me now while I laugh into my laptop at such a notion.

That doesn't mean there isn't good stuff happening around the Knicks, but the problem is we aren't getting to see any of it. Cablevision has become a much bigger, more entertaining story than Stephon Marbury. Everybody wants to know if the Dolans will sell their stock or buy the railyards or black out their games for the fun of it.

Diamond Jim Dolan is everything that George Steinbrenner is supposed to be, but really isn't anymore. Dolan is a little bit wacky, lashing out indiscriminately behind the scenes, speaking nonsense whenever he talks at all. He doesn't win much of anything, though, which is a problem.

The people on the Knicks don't want to know anything about the First Corporate Family, and you can't really blame them. Team officials pick up their lavender checks from MSG Corporation, and they cash them as quickly as possible.

"I have nothing to do with anything that goes on above my head," Herb Williams declared. He wanted to change the subject.

The big mistake by Dolan is that he isn't marketing his own, frazzled story. Sometimes, like last night, his personal seats are empty along the baseline, and he is nowhere to be found. The Garden then becomes a universe without its defining black hole.

Dolan ought to place himself and his many feuds out front, right there on the court at the Garden for the final 10 home games. He ought to market the chaos. Something like this:

March 13, Cablevision vs. Time Warner.

Glenn Britt, chairman and CEO of Time Warner Cable, leads his own mega-media giant into the Garden to challenge Jim Dolan in mano-y-mano negotiations to decide whether people in the city watch basketball on television. Who gets to rip you off more? The second-hand signal provider, or the third-hand provider?

March 15, Cablevision vs. the Jets.

Woody Johnson comes to the Garden and brings his oversized blueprints for a Jets stadium on the West Side. Expect Dolan to doodle his famous sketches for adlib housing developments above the railyards!

March 21, Cablevision vs. Latrell Sprewell. Jim Dolan sits first row baseline, while Sprewell hurls his celebrated insults and invectives. You won't want to miss Dolan's brief but penetrating scowl!

March 23, Cablevision vs. Cablevision. An intrasquad scrimmage between Charles and Jim, father and son, as they argue about the future of their company, about something called Voom. Backstabbing is thicker than blood in this boardroom!

April 1, Cablevision vs. Mayor Bloomberg and Dan Doctoroff. More blueprints for the West Side stadium, and more doodling by Jim Dolan. Don't be too surprised if the Mayor threatens to revoke those tax breaks for the Garden!

April 5, Cablevision vs. Knick fans. Michelle Musler, who sits behind the Knick bench, is charged $330 for a seat more cramped than Virgin Air economy class. Watch an underpaid usher squeeze into a chair in the aisle beside her. Enjoy their outrage as Dolan presents spectators with next year's ticket plan!

April 8, Cablevision vs. the NHL. Hockey officials, players and fans arrive at the Garden just as the Stanley Cup playoffs would normally begin. Instead, the league has shut down - thanks to the skewed payroll standards practiced by Dolan and Glen Sather.

April 12, Cablevision vs. the International Olympic Committee. Jacques Rogge can expect some witty taunts from Fireman Ed, when the IOC president makes a long-awaited appearance at midcourt to praise NYC2012!

April 17, Cablevision vs. their own cable customers. Buy your tickets today, or they will cost $4.95 more in next month's billing!

April 20, Cablevision vs. Marv Albert. One final feud to close the season, to sell out the arena. Albert calls play-by-play, while Cablevision executives bind and gag him.

Is this any way to run a franchise? Yes!

Originally published on March 9, 2005