Redneck joke of the day
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My son does that when he climbs up onto my lawn tractor.Thursday 20th of August:
You Might be a Redneck if.......You make racing noises while sitting in a parked car.
GUILTY.
A Real redneck would make "Dixie" noises when pressing the "horn" on the steering wheel.
After reading this thread I just had to break out the Redneck Mansion photo...
very nice!!
Friday 21st of August:
You Might be a Redneck if.......You think a quarter horse is a child's ride in front of Wal-Mart.
Saturday/Sunday 22nd/23rd of August:
You Might be a Redneck if.......You've cleaned spark plugs with an electric toothbrush.
You Might be a Redneck if.......You think a quarter horse is a child's ride in front of Wal-Mart.
Saturday/Sunday 22nd/23rd of August:
You Might be a Redneck if.......You've cleaned spark plugs with an electric toothbrush.
Two rednecks decided that they weren’t going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead.
The first went in to see the counselor, who told him to take math, history, and logic.
“What’s logic?” the first redneck asked.
The professor answered, “Let me give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?”
“I sure do.”
“Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard,” replied the professor.
“That’s real good!” said the redneck.
The professor continued, “Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also own a house.”
Impressed, the redneck said, “Amazing!”
“And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife.”
“That’s Betty Mae! This is incredible!”
The redneck was catching on.
“Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual,” said the professor.
“You’re absolutely right! Why that’s the most fascinatin’ thing I ever heard! I cain’t wait to take that logic class!”
The redneck, proud of the new world opening up to him, walked back into the hallway where his friend was still waiting.
“So what classes are ya takin’?” asked the friend.
“Math, history, and logic!” replied the first redneck.
“What in tarnation is logic?” asked his friend.
“Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weed eater?” asked the first redneck.
“No,” his friend replied.
“You’re queer, ain’t ya?”
The first went in to see the counselor, who told him to take math, history, and logic.
“What’s logic?” the first redneck asked.
The professor answered, “Let me give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?”
“I sure do.”
“Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard,” replied the professor.
“That’s real good!” said the redneck.
The professor continued, “Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also own a house.”
Impressed, the redneck said, “Amazing!”
“And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife.”
“That’s Betty Mae! This is incredible!”
The redneck was catching on.
“Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual,” said the professor.
“You’re absolutely right! Why that’s the most fascinatin’ thing I ever heard! I cain’t wait to take that logic class!”
The redneck, proud of the new world opening up to him, walked back into the hallway where his friend was still waiting.
“So what classes are ya takin’?” asked the friend.
“Math, history, and logic!” replied the first redneck.
“What in tarnation is logic?” asked his friend.
“Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weed eater?” asked the first redneck.
“No,” his friend replied.
“You’re queer, ain’t ya?”
If any of these describe you, you're a redneck!
You think that potted meat on a saltine is an hors d'ouerve.
There is a stuffed possum anywhere in your house.
You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment.
Fewer than half of your cars run.
Your mother doesn't remove the Marlboro from her lips before telling the State Trooper to kiss her ass.
The primary color of your car is "bondo".
You honestly think that women are turned on by animal noises and seductive tongue gestures.
You stand under the mistletoe at Christmas and wait for Granny and cousin Sue-Ellen to walk by.
Your family tree doesn't fork.
Your wife's hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.
Your mother has been involved in a fistfight at a high school sports event.
You've ever barbecued Spam on the grill.
More than one living relative is named after a southern civil war general.
Your front porch collapses and more than six dogs are killed.
You've ever used lard in bed.
Your home has more miles on it than your car.
The best way to keep things cold is to leave'em in the shade.
The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights.
Your brother-in-law is your uncle.
Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size bottle of ketchup.
The rear tires on your car are at least twice as wide as the front ones.
You consider "Outdoor Life" deep reading.
You prominently display a gifts bought at Graceland.
You use the term `over yonder' more than once a month.
The diploma hanging in your den contains the words "Trucking Institute".
Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.
You've ever worn a tube top to a wedding.
Your favorite Christmas present was a painting on black velvet.
You think that Don Perignon is a Mafia leader.
The most commonly heard phrase at your family reunion is "What the hell are you looking at, Shithead?"
You think that beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food groups.
You think that Campho-Phenique is a miracle drug.
You've ever used a weed eater indoors.
You have a rag for a gas cap (on a car that does run).
You look upon a family reunion as a chance to meet `Ms. Right'.
You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.
Your richest relative invites you over to his new home to help him remove the wheels.
You've ever financed a tattoo.
You go to your family reunion to meet women.
Your idea of a 7 course meal is a bucket of KFC and a six-pack.
You go to a Tupperware party for a haircut.
You have spray painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass.
You have more than two brothers named Bubba or Junior.
Your father encourages you to quit school because Larry has an opening on the lube rack.
You think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.
You think that the Styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.
You've been too drunk to fish.
You had to remove a toothpick for wedding pictures.
Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
Someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle.
Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare.
The directions to your house include "turn off the paved road".
Your dog and your wallet are both on chains.
You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.
You have lost at least one tooth opening a beer bottle.
Jack Daniel's makes your list of "most admired people".
Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.
You have started a petition to change the National Anthem to "Georgia on My Mind".
You call your boss "Buddy", on a regular basis.
You consider your license plate personalized because your dad made it in prison.
You have been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.
You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
You need an estimate from your barber before you get a haircut.
After making love you ask your date to roll down the window.
The biggest fashion risk you take is which plaid you'll wear to the 4-H Fair.
You have flowers planted in a bathroom appliance in your front yard.
Someone in your family says "Cum'n here an' lookit this afore I flush it."
Your wife weighs more then your refrigerator.
You mow your lawn and find a car.
If going to the bathroom in the middle of the night involves putting on shoes a jacket and
grabbing a flashlight.
Your dog can't watch you eat without gagging.
You have a Hefty bag on the passenger side window of your car.
You have a very special baseball cap, just for formal occasions.
You bought a VCR so you could tape wrestling while you are at work.
Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade.
Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.
You go Christmas shopping for your mom, sister, and girlfriend, and you only need to buy
one gift.
You are still holding on to Confederate money because you think the South will rise again.
You consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.
You have to go down to the creek to take a bath.
You participate in the "who can spit tobacco the farthest contest".
You roll you hair with soup cans and wash it once a year.
You consider a three piece suit to be: a pair of overalls, a plaid flannel shirt and thermal underwear.
There is a sheet hanging in your closet and a gun rack hanging in your truck.
You think the Mountain Men in deliverance were just "Misunderstood".
You've ever made change in the offering plate.
If the fifth grade is referred to as "your senior year".
You consider a good tan to be the back of your neck and the left arm below the shirt sleeve...
You own at least 20 baseball hats.
You know of at least six different ways to bend the bill of a baseball hat.
You can change the oil in your truck without ducking your head.
When you run out of gas, you put gin in the gas tank!
Three quarters of the clothes you own have LOGOS on them.
You have 5 cars that are immobile and a house that isn't!
Your gene pool doesn't have a "deep end".
Your `huntin dawg' cost more than the truck you drive him around in.
You'd rather catch bass than get some (if you can't guess...)
You have a Hefty bag for a Car/Truck convertible top.
You think that safe sex is a padded headboard on the waterbed.
You own more cowboy boots than sneakers.
You've been to a funeral and there were more pick-ups than cars.
You have a picture of Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson, or Elvis over your fireplace.
You just bought an 8-track player to put in your car.
There are four or more cars up on blocks in the front yard.
The theme song at your high school prom was `Friends in Low Places'.
It's easier to spray weed killer on your lawn than mow it.
You've ever climbed a water tower with a bucket of paint to defend your sister's honor.
Your idea of talking during sex is "Ain't no cars coming, baby!"
Your vehicle has a two-tone paint job, primer red and primer gray.
The tobacco chewers in your family aren't just men.
Ya have to check in the bottom yer shoe for change so you can get grandma a new plug of tobacco.
Foreplay consists of slipping off her saddle.
Ya can't get married to your sweetheart cause there is a law against it.
You celebrate groundhog day (cause ya believe in it!!)
You've been on TV more than 5 times describing the sound of a tornado.
You fish in your above-ground pool, especially if you catch something!
When a sign that says "Say No To Crack!" reminds you to pull up your jeans.
Helping your cousin, Billy-Bob, move into his new place consists of taking the wheels off his doublewide.
Your beer can collection is considered a tourist attraction in your home town.
You wake up with both a black eye and a hickey.
Getting a package from your post office requires a full tank of gas in the truck.
"Buck Naked Line Dancing" isn't a videotape, it's "Ladies Night" at the local bar.
Your wife wants to stop at the gas station to see if they've got the new Darrell Waltrip Budweiser wall clock.
You dated your daddy's current wife in high school.
You're moved to tears every time you hear Dolly Parton singing "I Will Always Love You".
Dolly Parton reminds you of the `Grand Tetons'.
Your Momma would rather go to the racetrack than the Kennedy Center.
The most serious loss from the earthquake was your Conway Twitty record collection.
You actually made a pyramid of cans in the pale moonlight with Alan Jackson.
You have spent more on your pickup truck than on your education.
You've ever hit a deer with your car... on purpose!
You can tell your age by the number of rings in the bathtub.
Your mom gives you tips on how to sneak booze into sporting events.
You've ever parked a Camero in a tree.
Exxon and Conoco have offered you royalties for your hair.
Your dad is also your favorite uncle.
You own more than three shirts with the sleeves cut off.
You've ever yelled "Rock the house Bubba!" during a piano recital.
You were taught to put your underwear on yellow in front, brown behind.
You buy two CB radios so you can talk to yourself.
You think that potted meat on a saltine is an hors d'ouerve.
There is a stuffed possum anywhere in your house.
You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment.
Fewer than half of your cars run.
Your mother doesn't remove the Marlboro from her lips before telling the State Trooper to kiss her ass.
The primary color of your car is "bondo".
You honestly think that women are turned on by animal noises and seductive tongue gestures.
You stand under the mistletoe at Christmas and wait for Granny and cousin Sue-Ellen to walk by.
Your family tree doesn't fork.
Your wife's hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.
Your mother has been involved in a fistfight at a high school sports event.
You've ever barbecued Spam on the grill.
More than one living relative is named after a southern civil war general.
Your front porch collapses and more than six dogs are killed.
You've ever used lard in bed.
Your home has more miles on it than your car.
The best way to keep things cold is to leave'em in the shade.
The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights.
Your brother-in-law is your uncle.
Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size bottle of ketchup.
The rear tires on your car are at least twice as wide as the front ones.
You consider "Outdoor Life" deep reading.
You prominently display a gifts bought at Graceland.
You use the term `over yonder' more than once a month.
The diploma hanging in your den contains the words "Trucking Institute".
Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.
You've ever worn a tube top to a wedding.
Your favorite Christmas present was a painting on black velvet.
You think that Don Perignon is a Mafia leader.
The most commonly heard phrase at your family reunion is "What the hell are you looking at, Shithead?"
You think that beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food groups.
You think that Campho-Phenique is a miracle drug.
You've ever used a weed eater indoors.
You have a rag for a gas cap (on a car that does run).
You look upon a family reunion as a chance to meet `Ms. Right'.
You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.
Your richest relative invites you over to his new home to help him remove the wheels.
You've ever financed a tattoo.
You go to your family reunion to meet women.
Your idea of a 7 course meal is a bucket of KFC and a six-pack.
You go to a Tupperware party for a haircut.
You have spray painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass.
You have more than two brothers named Bubba or Junior.
Your father encourages you to quit school because Larry has an opening on the lube rack.
You think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.
You think that the Styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.
You've been too drunk to fish.
You had to remove a toothpick for wedding pictures.
Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
Someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle.
Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare.
The directions to your house include "turn off the paved road".
Your dog and your wallet are both on chains.
You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.
You have lost at least one tooth opening a beer bottle.
Jack Daniel's makes your list of "most admired people".
Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.
You have started a petition to change the National Anthem to "Georgia on My Mind".
You call your boss "Buddy", on a regular basis.
You consider your license plate personalized because your dad made it in prison.
You have been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.
You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
You need an estimate from your barber before you get a haircut.
After making love you ask your date to roll down the window.
The biggest fashion risk you take is which plaid you'll wear to the 4-H Fair.
You have flowers planted in a bathroom appliance in your front yard.
Someone in your family says "Cum'n here an' lookit this afore I flush it."
Your wife weighs more then your refrigerator.
You mow your lawn and find a car.
If going to the bathroom in the middle of the night involves putting on shoes a jacket and
grabbing a flashlight.
Your dog can't watch you eat without gagging.
You have a Hefty bag on the passenger side window of your car.
You have a very special baseball cap, just for formal occasions.
You bought a VCR so you could tape wrestling while you are at work.
Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade.
Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.
You go Christmas shopping for your mom, sister, and girlfriend, and you only need to buy
one gift.
You are still holding on to Confederate money because you think the South will rise again.
You consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.
You have to go down to the creek to take a bath.
You participate in the "who can spit tobacco the farthest contest".
You roll you hair with soup cans and wash it once a year.
You consider a three piece suit to be: a pair of overalls, a plaid flannel shirt and thermal underwear.
There is a sheet hanging in your closet and a gun rack hanging in your truck.
You think the Mountain Men in deliverance were just "Misunderstood".
You've ever made change in the offering plate.
If the fifth grade is referred to as "your senior year".
You consider a good tan to be the back of your neck and the left arm below the shirt sleeve...
You own at least 20 baseball hats.
You know of at least six different ways to bend the bill of a baseball hat.
You can change the oil in your truck without ducking your head.
When you run out of gas, you put gin in the gas tank!
Three quarters of the clothes you own have LOGOS on them.
You have 5 cars that are immobile and a house that isn't!
Your gene pool doesn't have a "deep end".
Your `huntin dawg' cost more than the truck you drive him around in.
You'd rather catch bass than get some (if you can't guess...)
You have a Hefty bag for a Car/Truck convertible top.
You think that safe sex is a padded headboard on the waterbed.
You own more cowboy boots than sneakers.
You've been to a funeral and there were more pick-ups than cars.
You have a picture of Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson, or Elvis over your fireplace.
You just bought an 8-track player to put in your car.
There are four or more cars up on blocks in the front yard.
The theme song at your high school prom was `Friends in Low Places'.
It's easier to spray weed killer on your lawn than mow it.
You've ever climbed a water tower with a bucket of paint to defend your sister's honor.
Your idea of talking during sex is "Ain't no cars coming, baby!"
Your vehicle has a two-tone paint job, primer red and primer gray.
The tobacco chewers in your family aren't just men.
Ya have to check in the bottom yer shoe for change so you can get grandma a new plug of tobacco.
Foreplay consists of slipping off her saddle.
Ya can't get married to your sweetheart cause there is a law against it.
You celebrate groundhog day (cause ya believe in it!!)
You've been on TV more than 5 times describing the sound of a tornado.
You fish in your above-ground pool, especially if you catch something!
When a sign that says "Say No To Crack!" reminds you to pull up your jeans.
Helping your cousin, Billy-Bob, move into his new place consists of taking the wheels off his doublewide.
Your beer can collection is considered a tourist attraction in your home town.
You wake up with both a black eye and a hickey.
Getting a package from your post office requires a full tank of gas in the truck.
"Buck Naked Line Dancing" isn't a videotape, it's "Ladies Night" at the local bar.
Your wife wants to stop at the gas station to see if they've got the new Darrell Waltrip Budweiser wall clock.
You dated your daddy's current wife in high school.
You're moved to tears every time you hear Dolly Parton singing "I Will Always Love You".
Dolly Parton reminds you of the `Grand Tetons'.
Your Momma would rather go to the racetrack than the Kennedy Center.
The most serious loss from the earthquake was your Conway Twitty record collection.
You actually made a pyramid of cans in the pale moonlight with Alan Jackson.
You have spent more on your pickup truck than on your education.
You've ever hit a deer with your car... on purpose!
You can tell your age by the number of rings in the bathtub.
Your mom gives you tips on how to sneak booze into sporting events.
You've ever parked a Camero in a tree.
Exxon and Conoco have offered you royalties for your hair.
Your dad is also your favorite uncle.
You own more than three shirts with the sleeves cut off.
You've ever yelled "Rock the house Bubba!" during a piano recital.
You were taught to put your underwear on yellow in front, brown behind.
You buy two CB radios so you can talk to yourself.
Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out- "Pa! You need to go out and fix the outhouse!"
Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse."
Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it.
So Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse! "
Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!"
Pa yells back, "I ain't stickin my head in that hole!"
Ma says,"Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix."
So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!"
Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!"
Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling, "Ma! Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!"
To which Ma replies, "Hurt's, don't it ?!"
Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse."
Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it.
So Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse! "
Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!"
Pa yells back, "I ain't stickin my head in that hole!"
Ma says,"Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix."
So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!"
Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!"
Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling, "Ma! Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!"
To which Ma replies, "Hurt's, don't it ?!"
Bubba died in a fire and was burnt pretty bad and the morgue needed someone to identify the body. So his two best friends, Daryl and Gomer,were sent for. Daryl went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Daryl said, "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over." So the mortician rolled him over and Daryl looked and said, "Nope, ain't Bubba." The mortician thought that was rather strange. Then he brought Gomer in to identify the body. Gomer took a look at him and said, "Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over." The mortician rolled him over and Gomer looked down and said, "No, it ain't Bubba. "The mortician asked, "How can you tell?" Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two buttholes." "What? He had two buttholes?", said the mortician. "Yup, everyone in town knew it. Every time we went to town, folks would say, "Here comes Bubba with them two buttholes..."
"You've just had your twelvth baby miss. What are you going to name this one?"
"Phil"
"But you named the last eleven phil"
"Yeah its great. I say phil go clean the room, they all go clean their room. I say phil come for dinner, they all come for dinner."
"But what if you only want one of them?"
"Oh! Then I call them by thier last name."
-------------------------------------
get it???
"Phil"
"But you named the last eleven phil"
"Yeah its great. I say phil go clean the room, they all go clean their room. I say phil come for dinner, they all come for dinner."
"But what if you only want one of them?"
"Oh! Then I call them by thier last name."
-------------------------------------
get it???
got it!!!!!!
"You've just had your twelvth baby miss. What are you going to name this one?"
"rey"
"But you named the last eleven rey"
"Yeah its great. I say rey go clean the room, they all go clean their room. I say rey come for dinner, they all come for dinner."
"But what if you only want one of them?"
"Oh! Then I call them by thier last name."
-------------------------------------
get it???
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