Ways To Avoid A Good Southern Ass Whuppin

[Toddytime]

1. Don't fake a Southern accent. This will incite a riot, and you will
get your ass kicked.
2. Don't order filet mignon or pasta primavera at Waffle House. It's
just a diner. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day. Let them cook
something they know. If you confuse them, they'll kick your ass.
3. We are fully aware of how high the humidity is, so shut the hell up.
Just spend your money and get the hell out of here, or we'll kick your
ass.
4. Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda down here. Down here
it's called Coke. Nobody gives a flying rat's ass whether it's Pepsi,
RC, Dr. Pepper, 7-Up or whatever... it's still a Coke. Accept it.
Doing otherwise can lead to an ass kicking.
5. We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you
(e.g.Welty, Williams, Faulkner). We are also better educated and
generally a lot nicer. Don't refer to us as a bunch of hillbillies or
we'll kick your ass.
6. We have plenty of business sense (e.g., Fred Smith of Fed Ex, Sam
Walton, Oprah, Turner Broadcasting, MTV, Netscape). Naturally, we do,
sometimes, have small lapses in judgment, if you keep reminding us of
the fact we will kick your ass.
7. Don't laugh at our Civil War monuments. If Lee had listened to
Longstreet and flanked Meade at Gettysburg instead of sending Pickett up
the middle, you'd be paying taxes to Richmond instead of Washington. If
you visit Stone Mountain and complain about the carving, we'll kick your
ass.
8. Don't laugh at our Southern names (Merleen, Luther, Tammy Lynn,
Inez, Billy Joe, Sissy, Clovis, etc.) or we will just HAVE to kick your
ass.
9. Don't order wheat toast at Cracker Barrel. Everyone will instantly
know that you're a Yankee. Eat your biscuits like God intended with
gravy. And don't put sugar on your grits, or we'll kick your ass.
10. Don't talk about how much better things are at home because we know
better. Many of us have visited Northern hellholes like Detroit,
Chicago, and DC, and we have the scars to prove it. If you don't like
it here, Delta or US Airways is ready when you are. Move your ass on
home before it gets kicked.
11. Yes, we know how to speak proper English. We talk this way because
we don't want to sound like you. We don't care if you don't understand
what we are saying. All other Southerners understand what we are
saying, and that's all that matters. Now, go away and leave us alone,
or we'll kick your ass.
12. Don't complain that the South is dirty and polluted. None of OUR
lakes or rivers have caught fire recently. If you whine about OUR
scenic beauty, we'll kick your ass all the way back to Boston Harbor.
13. Don't ridicule our Southern manners. We say sir and ma'am. We
hold doors open for others. We offer our seats to old folks because
such things are expected of civilized people. Behave yourselves around
our sweet little gray-haired grandmothers or they'll kick some manners
into your ass just like they did ours.
14. So you think we're quaint, or losers, because most of us live in
the countryside? That's because we have enough sense to not live in
filthy, smelly, crime infested cesspools like New York, Baltimore or
Boston. Make fun of our fresh air, and we'll kick your ass.
15. Last, but not least, DO NOT DARE to come down here and tell us how
to cook barbecue. This will get your ass shot (right after it is
kicked). You're lucky we let you come down here at all. Criticize our
barbecue, and you will go home in a pine box...minus your ass.

 

[Pepper]

Yee Haw !!

 

[retorq]

There seems to be alot of this 'ass kicking' going on down there.

 

[riffjim4069]

Last time I looked, both Washington D.C and Baltimore City were south of the Mason-Dixon line, and both are southern cities. Learn your geography, and Civil War History for that matter, (not the stuff learned to ya by Memaw & Papa ) or we'll kick your ass again!

 

[Cyclone]

D.C. was a southern city in the civil war? So where exactly did Lincoln run the Union from again?

No don't make me start teach'n lessons by beating all y'alls up now.

 

[damaged]

There seems to be alot of this 'ass kicking' going on down there.

16. Don't point out our ass kicking ways, or you'll get your ass kicked.

 

[charper1]

Union: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Union_(American_Civil_War)

Border: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Border_states_(Civil_War)

Cofederate: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Confederate_States_of_America

 

[VIPERS-PIT]

When I was in the service. I moved from OHIO "pop" to MISSISSIPPI "coke" to WYOMING "can of soda"

So when I get to mississippi and order a coke they ask what kind. Because everything is a "coke" there. Gotta say "i want a coca cola".

And I learned to put sugar, butter and strawberry jelly in my grits in Biolixi Mississippi.

Also my bleeding ulcer taught me to put cottage cheese and chedder cheese in my Mississippi chili. I still eat all chili this way today! It rocks!!!!

 

[HCI]

1
11. Yes, we know how to speak proper English. We talk this way because
we don't want to sound like you. We don't care if you don't understand
what we are saying. All other Southerners understand what we are
saying, and that's all that matters. Now, go away and leave us alone,
or we'll kick your ass. s.

I have to disagree with you here. I have lived here all my life and I don't understand half of what come out of some of these people's mouths.

 

[joverstr2]

I had breakfast for dinner last night but I like grape jelly in my grits and eggs.

 

[GaryPen]

2. Don't order filet mignon or pasta primavera at Waffle House. It's just a diner. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day. Let them cook
something they know. If you confuse them, they'll kick your ass.

Diner? You're being way too kind. They can barely make friggin waffles there. That's why us Yankees just call it Awful House.

3. We are fully aware of how high the humidity is, so shut the hell up.
Just spend your money and get the hell out of here, or we'll kick your
ass.

We can only assume you aren't aware. Or else, why the hell would anybody live there?

4. Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda down here. Down here
it's called Coke. Nobody gives a flying rat's ass whether it's Pepsi,
RC, Dr. Pepper, 7-Up or whatever... it's still a Coke. Accept it.
Doing otherwise can lead to an ass kicking.

No. They are all soda. You wanna call tissues Kleenex, and photocopies Xeroxes too, go right ahead. They are still soda, tissues, and photocopies. OTOH, anybody calling it pop does deserve a good ass kicking.

5. We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you
(e.g.Welty, Williams, Faulkner). We are also better educated and
generally a lot nicer. Don't refer to us as a bunch of hillbillies or
we'll kick your ass.

Stop acting like hillbillies, then.

8. Don't laugh at our Southern names (Merleen, Luther, Tammy Lynn,
Inez, Billy Joe, Sissy, Clovis, etc.) or we will just HAVE to kick your
ass.

Then stop naming your kids Cletus, Enos, Bubba, and anything ending in "Jo".

9. Don't order wheat toast at Cracker Barrel. Everyone will instantly
know that you're a Yankee. Eat your biscuits like God intended with
gravy. And don't put sugar on your grits, or we'll kick your ass.

Personally, I prefer English Muffins. And, putting sugar in grits is the only way to make that crap edible. After all, it works with all other hot cereal, which is all grits are, anyway. (Why anybody would want a scoop of oatmeal with their burger is beyond me.)

11. Yes, we know how to speak proper English.

Ummm. No ya don't.

13. Don't ridicule our Southern manners. We say sir and ma'am. We
hold doors open for others. We offer our seats to old folks because
such things are expected of civilized people. Behave yourselves around
our sweet little gray-haired grandmothers or they'll kick some manners
into your ass just like they did ours.

OK. Valid point.

15. Last, but not least, DO NOT DARE to come down here and tell us how
to cook barbecue. This will get your ass shot (right after it is
kicked). You're lucky we let you come down here at all. Criticize our
barbecue, and you will go home in a pine box...minus your ass.

Barbecue is a way to cook the food. It is not the name of the food. I ain't ordering anything called "barbecue", unless they finish the damn sign... Barbecued BEEF, barbecued PORK, barbecued CHICKEN. WTF is a barbecue sandwich? You might as well call it a stove sandwich or an oven sandwich.

And don't get me started on Chicken Fried Steak!

 

[charper1]

Gary: hilariously accurate; good stuff.

and as a non-southerner that spent 9 years in Memphis; even REAL "born there locals" don't call it just "coke" or "barbecue" - most say the actual marketed name of the soft drink and on BBQ they do add the word "pork" 99% of the time (or whatever the meat of choice is).

In the lingo of the OP, "only ignernt (ignant) folks still act and talk like hillbillies, and we should all kick THEIR asses".

LOL

 

[riffjim4069]

D.C. was a southern city in the civil war? So where exactly did Lincoln run the Union from again?

Maryland is a "southern" state by virtue of being below the Mason-Dixon Line and having a large slave population -- 87,189 according to the 1860 census. D.C. is a "southern" city by virtue of it being below the Mason-Dixon Line and its location between two southern states.

"Maryland sympathies were divided between the North and the South, with a decided preponderance on the Southern side. On all sides it was agreed that the result must be war, or a dissolution of the Union, and a large majority of Marylanders preferred the latter. In the fall, Lincoln arrested 31 allegedly disloyal members of the state legislature (Sept. 12-17, 1861), to prevent them from attending a meeting that could have voted on secession. But Maryland was not really safely in the Union until the November state elections. Federal provost marshals stood guard at the polls and arrested known Democrats and any disunionist who attempted to vote. The special three-day furlough granted to Maryland troops in the Union army, so they could go home and vote, further rigged the election. The result, not surprisingly, was a solidly pro-Union legislature. The next year, state judges instructed grand jurors to inquire into the elections, but the judges were arrested and thrown into military prisons."

So yes, Lincoln ran the war from the Union's most southern city...Washington, D.C.

 

[GaryPen]

Federal provost marshals stood guard at the polls and arrested known Democrats...

Plus, special priviledges for military personne?

Hmmm, are you sure you're not confusing the 1860's with the last two Presidential elections?

 

[riffjim4069]

Plus, special priviledges for military personne?

Hmmm, are you sure you're not confusing the 1860's with the last two Presidential elections?

No, because Democrats could actually read well enough to follow simple voting instructions back then. Do you know what they call a good 1860s era Democrat today? A Republican.

 

[HCI]

even REAL "born there locals" don't call it just "coke" or "barbecue" - most say the actual marketed name of the soft drink and on BBQ they do add the word "pork" 99% of the time (or whatever the meat of choice is).

"only ignernt (ignant) folks still act and talk like hillbillies, and we should all kick THEIR asses".

LOL

Absolutely correct. I have lived in the south all my life and most people that live here cannot stand these redneck's and hillbillies. I was at a house last week and the teenage daughter had on a pair of jeans rolled up half way to her knee "the Huckberry Finn look" with a sleeve less shirt, greasy face and was working on a dirtbike. I was at another house recently and the son was following me around talking the worst gibberish I have ever heard. The only word's I could make out was satellite, longitude, and latitude. Again most people are not like this and could not give a damn about the "heritage" but because of some people we are perceived as backwork hicks that don't know our ass from a hole in the ground.

 

[GaryPen]

... backwork hicks that don't know our ass from a hole in the ground.

That must be a drag for the gay hillbillies.

 

[JKElect]

If you cannot read or understand any of these - You are defiantly from the North. Usually classified in Louisiana as North of I-10 or North of I-20.

You Know You're From Louisiana When...

The crawdad mounds in your front yard have over taken the grass.

You greet people with "Howzyamomma'an'dem?" and hear back "Dey fine!"

Every so often, you have waterfront property.

When giving directions you use words like "uptown," "downtown," "backatown," "riverside," "lakeside," "other side of the bayou" or "other side of the levee."

When you refer to a geographical location "way up North," you are referring to places like Shreveport, Little Rock or Memphis, "where it gets real cold."

You've ever had Community Coffee.

You can pronounce Tchoupitoulas but can't spell it.

You don't worry when you see ships riding higher in the river than the top of your house.

You judge a po-boy by the number of napkins used.

The waitress at your local sandwich shop tells you a fried oyster po-boy "dressed" is healthier than a Caesar salad.

You can eat Popeye's, Haydel's and Zapp's for lunch and wash it down with Barq's and several Abitas, without losing it all on your stoop.

The four seasons in your year are: crawfish, shrimp, crab, and King Cake.

You "wrench" your hands in the sink with an onion bar to get the crawfish smell off.

You don't learn until high school that Mardi Gras is not a national holiday.

You believe that purple, green and gold look good together.

Your last name isn't pronounced the way it's spelled.

You know what a nutria rat is but you still pick it to represent your baseball team.

You have spent a summer afternoon on the Lake Pontchartrain seawall catching blue crabs.

You describe a color as "K & B Purple."

You like your rice and politics dirty.

You pronounce the largest city in the state as "Nawlins."

You know those big roaches can fly, but you're able to sleep at night anyway.

You assume everyone has mosquito swarms in their backyard.

You realize the rainforest is less humid than Louisiana.

You learn that a seat belt makes a pretty good branding iron...

You discover that you can get a sunburn through your car window...

When out of town, you stop and ask someone where there is a drive-through Daiquiri place, and they look at you like you have three heads.

You have flood insurance.

Your burial plot is six feet over rather than six feet under.

You consider a Bloody Mary a light breakfast.

You leave a parade with footprints on the top of your hands.

You have a parade ladder in your shed.

Your first sentence was "Throw me something mistah" and your first drink was from a go-cup.

You worry about a deceased family member returning in spring floods.

You reply to anything and everything about life here with "Only in Nahlins".

You have a monogrammed go-cup.

You get on a bus marked "Cemeteries" and don’t think twice.

You shake out your shoes before putting them on.

Your sunglasses fog up when you step outside.

No matter where else you go in the world, you are always disappointed in the food.

You get up in the morning and start cooking a pot of rice before you give any thought to what you'll fix for dinner.

You ask, "How dey running?" and "Are dey fat?" when you're inquiring about seafood quality. When a hurricane is imminent

When it starts to rain, you cover your beer instead of your head.

You call tomato sauce "red gravy."

You eat sno-balls instead of throwing them.

Your house payment is less than your air conditioning bill.

Your grandparents are called "Maw Maw" and "Paw Paw."

You fall asleep to the soothing sounds of four box fans.

No one eats healthy. Fried Batter is actually a menu item in some restaurants.

And if you just don't understand - Don't come down and ask - We may feel insulted and just Kick Your Ass!!

 

[Pepper]

Great stuff but I think you spelled the word in the third one incorrectly


From Pepper's Dictionary:

Momonym (n) a southern person's mother and additional assorted relatives.

Used in a sentence: "How's Momonym doin?"

 

[JKElect]

Great stuff but I think you spelled the word in the third one incorrectly


From Pepper's Dictionary:

That is very possible. I come from a long line of bad spellers. I am working hard to rise above my legacy.