Redneck joke of the day

[Rey]

Farmer's Divorce
A farmer walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for a divorce. The attorney asked, "May I help you?"

The farmer said, "Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorces."

The attorney said, "Well do you have any grounds?"

The farmer said, "Yea, I got about 140 acres." The attorney said, "No, you don't understand, do you have a case?"

The farmer said, "No, I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere."

The attorney said, "No you don't understand, I mean do you have a grudge?"

The farmer said, "Yea I got a grudge, that's where I park my John Deere."

The attorney said, "No sir, I mean do you have a suit?"

The farmer said, "Yes sir, I got a suit. I wear it to church on Sundays."

The exasperated attorney said, "Well sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?"

The farmer said, "No sir, we both get up about 4:30."

Finally, the attorney says, "Okay, let me put it this way. WHY DO YOU WANT A DIVORCE?"

And the farmer says, "Well, I can never have a meaningful conversation with her."

 

[Ronnie-]

LOL, good one rey!

 

[Paul Wozniak]

LMAO!

 

[Rey]

Two football players were taking an important final exam. If they failed, they would be on academic probation and not allowed to play in the Sugar Bowl the following week. The exam was fill-in-the-blank. The last question read, "Old MacDonald had a _________."

Bubba was stumped. He had no idea of the answer. He knew he needed to get this one right to be sure he passed. Making sure the professor wasn't watching, he tapped Tiny on the shoulder. "Pssst. Tiny. What's the answer to the last question?"

Tiny laughed. He looked around to make sure the professor hadn't noticed then he turned to Bubba. "Bubba, you're so stupid. Everyone knows Old MacDonald had a farm."

"Oh yeah," said Bubba. "I remember now." He picked up his No. 2 pencil and started to write the answer in the blank. He stopped. Reaching to tap Tiny's shoulder again, he whispered, "Tiny, how do you spell farm?"

"You are really dumb, Bubba. That's so easy. Farm is spelled E-I-E-I-O."

 

[Ronnie-]

A man and woman from Alabama gets married. They go on their honeymoon, the wife tells the husband to be careful she is a virgin. The man gets mad, gets in his car and goes home leaving her there. The father of the husband asks his son "Why are you home son"? The husband replies "Dad she's a virgin and I left her there". The father says "Son you did the right thing, if she isn't good enough for her family, she isn't good enough for ours".

ROTFLMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[Ramy]

Monday 27th of July:

You Might be a Redneck if.......You've ever used jumper cables to jump-start your computer.

 

[Rey]

A Cowboy's Guide to Life
Never squat with yer spurs on.

There are two theories to arguin' with a woman; neither one works.

Don't worry about bitin' off more than you can chew, your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger'n you think.

If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.

After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring.
He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him.
The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.

If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.

Never smack a man who's chewin' tobacco.

It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.

Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.

Never follow good whiskey with water, unless you're out of good whiskey.

Good judgment comes from experience; experience comes from bad judgment.

Always drink upstream from the herd.

Never drop your gun to hug a grizzly.

If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.

When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or a person, don't be surprised if they learn their lesson.

When you're throwin' your weight around, be ready to have it thrown around by somebody else.

Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back in.

Always take a good look at what you're about to eat. It's not so important to know what it is, but it's critical to know what it was.

The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.

Never miss a good chance to shut up.

 

[Rey]

There's a Mexican, an Italian, and a Redneck working on the top of a building for a construction company. During their lunch break, the Mexican opens up his lunch and finds tacos inside (which he gets every day). He says, "If my wife gives me tacos for lunch one more time, I'm going to jump off this building." Then, the Italian opens his lunch and finds lasagna inside (which he gets everyday). He says, "If my wife gives me lasagna for lunch one more time, I'm going to kill myself." Then, the Redneck opens his lunch and finds a bologna sandwich inside (which he gets everyday). He says, "If I get a bologna sandwich in my lunch one more time, I'm going to jump off this building." Well, the next day for lunch, the Mexican gets tacos, the Italian gets lasagna, and the Redneck gets a bologna sandwich. They all jump off the roof. At their funerals, the Mexican's wife says, "O, why didn't he tell me he didn't want tacos. I wouldn't have made them." The Italian's wife says "O, why didn't he tell me he didn't want lasagna. I wouldn't have made it." Then, everybody turns to look at the Redneck's wife. She says, "Hey, don't look at me!! He fixed his own lunch!!"

 

[Mrs-MSmith198025]

There's a Mexican, an Italian, and a Redneck working on the top of a building for a construction company. During their lunch break, the Mexican opens up his lunch and finds tacos inside (which he gets every day). He says, "If my wife gives me tacos for lunch one more time, I'm going to jump off this building." Then, the Italian opens his lunch and finds lasagna inside (which he gets everyday). He says, "If my wife gives me lasagna for lunch one more time, I'm going to kill myself." Then, the Redneck opens his lunch and finds a bologna sandwich inside (which he gets everyday). He says, "If I get a bologna sandwich in my lunch one more time, I'm going to jump off this building." Well, the next day for lunch, the Mexican gets tacos, the Italian gets lasagna, and the Redneck gets a bologna sandwich. They all jump off the roof. At their funerals, the Mexican's wife says, "O, why didn't he tell me he didn't want tacos. I wouldn't have made them." The Italian's wife says "O, why didn't he tell me he didn't want lasagna. I wouldn't have made it." Then, everybody turns to look at the Redneck's wife. She says, "Hey, don't look at me!! He fixed his own lunch!!"

:haha:haha

 

[HIFI]

There's a Mexican, an Italian, and a Redneck working on the top of a building for a construction company. During their lunch break, the Mexican opens up his lunch and finds tacos inside (which he gets every day). He says, "If my wife gives me tacos for lunch one more time, I'm going to jump off this building." Then, the Italian opens his lunch and finds lasagna inside (which he gets everyday). He says, "If my wife gives me lasagna for lunch one more time, I'm going to kill myself." Then, the Redneck opens his lunch and finds a bologna sandwich inside (which he gets everyday). He says, "If I get a bologna sandwich in my lunch one more time, I'm going to jump off this building." Well, the next day for lunch, the Mexican gets tacos, the Italian gets lasagna, and the Redneck gets a bologna sandwich. They all jump off the roof. At their funerals, the Mexican's wife says, "O, why didn't he tell me he didn't want tacos. I wouldn't have made them." The Italian's wife says "O, why didn't he tell me he didn't want lasagna. I wouldn't have made it." Then, everybody turns to look at the Redneck's wife. She says, "Hey, don't look at me!! He fixed his own lunch!!"

:up:haha:haha

 

[Ramy]

Tuesday 28th of July:

You Might be a Redneck if.......Your answering machine greeting begins "If yer callin' about the money I owe you ..."

 

[Mrs-MSmith198025]

Redneck Oil Change Checklist

1. Go to O'Reilly auto parts and write a check for $50 dollars for oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and scented tree.

2. Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking it back to O'Reilly to recycle, dump in hole in back yard.

3. Open a beer and drink it.

4. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.

5. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.

6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.

7. Place drain pan under engine.

8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench.

9. Give up and use crescent wrench.

10. Unscrew drain plug.

11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil; get hot oil on you in process.

12. Clean up.

13. Have another beer while oil is draining.

14. Look for oil filter wrench.

15. Give up; poke oil filter with screwdriver and twist it off.

16. Beer.

17. Buddy shows up; finish case with him. Finish oil change tomorrow.

18. Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.

19. Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.

20. Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.

21. Walk to 7-11; buy beer.

22. Install new oil filter making sure to apply thin coat of clean oil to gasket first.

23. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.

24. Remember drain plug from step 11.

25. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.

26. Hurry to replace drain plug before the whole quart of fresh oil drains onto floor.

27. Slip with wrench and bang knuckles on frame.

28. Bang head on floor board in reaction.

29. Begin cussing fit.

30. Throw wrench.

31. Cuss and complain.

32. Clean up; apply Band-Aid to knuckle.

33. Beer.

34. Beer.

35. Dump in additional 4 quarts of oil.

36. Beer.

37. Lower car from jack stands

38. Accidentally crush one of the jack stands

39. Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during step 23.

40. Test drive car

41. Get pulled over; arrested for driving under the influence.

42. Car gets impounded.

43. Make bail; get car from impound yard.

Money Spent:

$50 parts

$12 beer

$75 replacement set of jack stands; hey the colors have to match!

$1000 Bail

$200 Impound and towing fee

Total: $1337

 

[Ronnie-]

Haha good one baby:up

 

[Ramy]

I laughed my butt off on the oil change. Good one.

 

[Mrs-MSmith198025]

I laughed my butt off on the oil change. Good one.

Yeah I laughed pretty hard when I read it! Glad you liked it!

 

[HIFI]

:haha:haha:haha:haha good one April!!!

 

[Ramy]

Wednesday 29th of July:

You Might be a Redneck if.......You've ever decorated a birthday cake with a caulk gun.

 

[nsaspook]

Pool

Picture says a thousand words.

 

[Rey]

Picture says a thousand words.

:haha:haha:haha:yikes:yikes!sadroll:haha:haha:haha:haha:haha

 

[Rey]

Emily Sue passed away and Billy-Bob called 911. The 911 Operator told Billy-Bob that she would send someone out right away.

"Where do you live?" asked the operator.

Billy-Bob replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive."

The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?"

There was a long pause and finally Billy-Bob said, "How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?"