I'm out of it indefinetly

[Fizbi]

Dee_Ann, My condolences as well.

Having suffered a major heart attack in 2008, I can tell you first hand what it feels like and what it did to my family. I know what you are going through. As much discomfort the heart attack was for me, In my case, the ride to the hospital was far more painful from the blood pressure cuff, and an oxygen mask that was pinching the hell out of my face, than the actual heart attack. My heart quit twice in the process. Once, on the elevator ride up to the cath-lab and the second, while lying on the cath-lab table. Each time, I distinctly remember slowly blacking out. In the elevator, they applied CPR which for some reason, left me black and blue from the shoulders up. In the cath-lab, they revived me by using the paddles, while still quite conscious. I was thinking to myself that this was not going to feel good when they zapped me. I was right. In comparison, the actual heart attack was quite painless. Just an annoying buzzing in my heart and the difficult breathing. My attack started shortly after completing a basketball game. Had I gone back to my office to sit down, waiting for my breath to come back, that's where I would have died, at my desk. Lucky for me, I went back to the gym (same building) where my friends were, and they saw me turning white, which prompted them to call 911.

Doc says that my problem was genetic. I could have died in my sleep, or just driving to work. I'm in excellent health and it still got me. My rest heart rate is 45, and it still got me. Doc says, you just never know.

I live day by day and I spend as much time as I can with my family. We never know what the future has for us.
People ask me what I saw while I was blacked out. I saw nothing, it was like going to sleep. Quite painless.

I hope that helps. Again, my condolences.

 

[Dee_Ann]

Dee,

I have not been very active here lately. When I came back to check in, I read your news about your Mom. I am truly very sorry for your loss. As everyone else, my prayers are with you and your Father and for your Mom. Your Mother is in very good hands now, she is with God. You are going to have to be tough now and help your Dad out more than you know. He will help you, too. Just remember that there are many people who are praying for all of you, we do care very deeply about our friends here. I trust in God that He will take care of your Mom just fine. But, I now worry about your Dad. Please be sure to watch over him closely and be a close companion for him as he is going to feel lost. Even if he is an independant cuss, he's going to feel a great loss and void now, so you will have to help him through this grieving time, even while you are feeling the same. You will have to be strong so that you can be a support for your Dad.

Remember that all of us are with you at all times and if you ever need a friend to chat with, you know that you can always come here in the middle of the night or in the middle of the day and reach someone. I know that it is not the same as having someone there in person, but when you are alone in the middle of the night it is hard to find someone to lean on. Someone will be here and waiting if you need an ear or a shoulder.

Gordy

Thank you Gordy..

My dad, my son and I had lunch Yesterday and we talked about a lot of things. Rather than focus on the loss, we focused on getting Dad through this. I have been doing housekeeping for many, many years so nothing will change for me but Dad, it's a whole new world for him now. Mom filed the papers, paid the bills, ran the errands, did the grocery shopping, cooking, made sure Dad stuck to a very strict diet as his health is touchy (cholesterol and blood pressure), did laundry, cleaned house, etc. etc... Mom, did everything. Dad was the bread winner but Mom made EVERYTHING ELSE happen.

I'm going to be checking on Dad frequently to see how he's doing, make sure he sticks to his diet, offer advice on housekeeping, laundry, etc..
I need to teach him how to shop by reading labels and comparing prices. When men shop, they plow through the store like they are afraid to be seen pushing a cart, they snatch the first thing off the shelf and get out as fast as humanly possible. He needs to learn to check the dates on stuff, reach to the back of the shelves and find the best date and use coupons. I take two hours to grocery shop on average. Dad zips through in 5 minutes and all he knows how to buy is coffee, bread and milk. I don't want to find him eating frozen dinners, those are a death sentence for sure considering his dietary needs.

I am going to insist that he go get his heart checked ASAP and a overall checkup. I am going to do the same. As a matter of fact, I need to get and MRI for heart and breast cancer screening, both those things scare me, the heart thing especially considering I don't eat right and I need to lose weight.

I want Dad to get one of those alert things you wear around your neck that you can press and it calls for help and you can talk over it like a cordless phone to the 911, just in case he has problems, it might save time getting help to him.

I don't know.. I'm trying to figure it all out, the things I can do to help make sure Dad stays healthy and safe. I never imagined I would ever see this day, I always figured my folks would outlive me by a lot of years. Reality just smacked me in the face, hard.

As for Dad being lonely, that really worries me. He has lots of friends but there is that huge void now and no one can fill that.

I don't know...


Today my son and my daughter came by, she brought her boyfriend and one of my grandsons. We sat out back on the patio for a few hours talking then we went to eat at Chili's. After that my daughter left then my son and I came back to my place and we sat and talked for a few hours about my dad. And we talked about Mom of course. My son was always smart, sharp, a financial wizard and a leader. Right now he is being a huge help to us, he's there for my Dad and he's here for me too.

Some of Mom's friends called me today and we worked on some details for the funeral and one lady listened to me cry for half an hour, I didn't even know her until I met her Monday at the hospital.

I took my outfit to the dry cleaners so I'll have something very nice to wear, it's become my funeral outfit I'm afraid, that's the only places I've worn it for the last few years..

Thursday I'm riding to Houston with my son, his wife is flying in from OKC and we have to go pick her up. They're renting a car to drive back to OKC on Sunday. Friday evening is the viewing and Saturday is the funeral then the family is gathering at my parent's house for dinner. I won't be eating, I already know I won't have any appetite.

Friday is going to be rough. Saturday, I dread it with every fiber of my being.. :cry:

Next week when the dust settles and everyone goes home, things will get really tough. Learning to live without Mom is, just, unthinkable.. :cry:

I guess for a while I don't really care much about satellites. I need to worry about Dad. And I'm going to be busy moving all of Mom's plants here and tending them. She had hundreds and I don't know what they all are. It's very important to me to take care of her plants because she really loved them so much..

Maybe in a few weeks I'll get back to my dabbling in this mysterious hobby again. I can't wander off too far or for too long.

Again, I want to thank each and every one of you guys for all your kind words. You've all been very nice and your words have been comforting to me..

Thank you so much...

Dee...

 

[Dee_Ann]

Dee_Ann, My condolences as well.

Having suffered a major heart attack in 2008, I can tell you first hand what it feels like and what it did to my family. I know what you are going through. As much discomfort the heart attack was for me, In my case, the ride to the hospital was far more painful from the blood pressure cuff, and an oxygen mask that was pinching the hell out of my face, than the actual heart attack. My heart quit twice in the process. Once, on the elevator ride up to the cath-lab and the second, while lying on the cath-lab table. Each time, I distinctly remember slowly blacking out. In the elevator, they applied CPR which for some reason, left me black and blue from the shoulders up. In the cath-lab, they revived me by using the paddles, while still quite conscious. I was thinking to myself that this was not going to feel good when they zapped me. I was right. In comparison, the actual heart attack was quite painless. Just an annoying buzzing in my heart and the difficult breathing. My attack started shortly after completing a basketball game. Had I gone back to my office to sit down, waiting for my breath to come back, that's where I would have died, at my desk. Lucky for me, I went back to the gym (same building) where my friends were, and they saw me turning white, which prompted them to call 911.

Doc says that my problem was genetic. I could have died in my sleep, or just driving to work. I'm in excellent health and it still got me. My rest heart rate is 45, and it still got me. Doc says, you just never know.

I live day by day and I spend as much time as I can with my family. We never know what the future has for us.
People ask me what I saw while I was blacked out. I saw nothing, it was like going to sleep. Quite painless.

I hope that helps. Again, my condolences.

OMG...... Thank goodness you survived!

And thank you so much for sharing this with me.... This, gives me a great deal of comfort. I am going to relay this to my Dad, son and other family and Mom's friends. Perhaps it was the same or similar for Mom. I'm hoping that she didn't suffer any great pain. From what you described, it is possible that she didn't either and might have never really known what happened.

They said she had complete cardiac arrest. I didn't know what that meant when the doctor told me so I asked what it was, he looked at me like I am stupid. Well, I was uninformed. I didn't know the difference between cardiac arrest and heart attack. We know she called 911 and dropped the phone while she was talking to them. So they figure she blacked out then. Going by the time records, from that point until they got her heart restarted and her pulse back, it was 18 minutes. The doctors said that her brain was without blood flow or oxygen for 18 minutes and that the MAX your brain can go without is 3 to 4 minutes. Past that and brain damage starts. Past 5 and there is serious damage. She went 18. And Monday evening when they did an EEG, they determined that she was brain dead, with only her brain stem just barely hanging on and that didn't last for long. She never had a chance.

So it is my hope that she didn't suffer.

When I saw her in the ER and she was sedated, I was talking to her, telling her I love her and telling her that Dad was on the way as fast as he could to be there and I swear, I swear to it, she was nodding her head. Her best friend was there with me and she saw the same thing. They told me she was brain dead but I know what I saw, she DID nod her head when I spoke to her. Maybe it's wishful thinking but it's what I saw and what I believe.
I so very hope that she really did hear me.. I am going to believe that she did..

I miss my mom.. :cry:
I am devastated. This is so wrong.... :cry:
She was supposed to outlive me d**n it! :cry:


Thank you Fizbi..... Thank you...

 

[stanleyjohn]

Sorry for this time of great pain in your life! My parents are both in there early 80s and the day will come when i go threw the pain your having now.I love my parents very much.:cry:

 

[tonio25]

I lost my mom two months ago so prayers go out to you & yours. Here's to a speedy and healthy recovery.

 

[Dee_Ann]

Sorry for this time of great pain in your life! My parents are both in there early 80s and the day will come when i go threw the pain your having now.I love my parents very much.:cry:

Stanleyjohn, take lots of photos of your folks. Trust me, if you don't have a really good camera, run out and get one NOW. And everyone else too. Take photos because now is the time. Once they are gone you can not go back and snap photos from the past. :cry:

You'll need them and you'll be glad you did. They may protest but snap pictures anyway. And don't tell them to stop and pose all the time. Maybe now and then but snap candid shots of them doing everyday things in their everyday routines. Once you buy the camera the photos are free so go crazy and keep backups in a safe place, hard drives fail and PC's blow up. I lost all my son's graduation photos to a PC crash.

I lost my mom two months ago so prayers go out to you & yours. Here's to a speedy and healthy recovery.

Tonio, I am so sorry for your loss, I know you must be hurting deeply.
Thank you and everyone for your thoughts and prayers, thank you all so much.
My thoughts and best wishes to all of you that have also suffered the loss of a loved one..
It's a terrible, terrible pain and sorrow that no one should have to suffer.
The hardest part of life is losing those that we love. :cry:

Peace....

 

[PopcornNMore]

I'm so sorry Dee. I lost my dad in September, so I know what you are going through. My aunt passed away a month earlier in August from a massive heart attack at the age of 71.

I now call my mom EVERY day, because I now know that the people who we love can be here today and gone tomorrow.

 

[Dee_Ann]

Yesterday was the hardest day of my life.

We laid my Mom to rest.

This week was the first time in my life I've seen my Dad cry.

Our family came together and we are closer now than ever before.

And you guys, with all your kind words and prayers, helped me get through this terrible, terrible week.

Thank you so much. Each and every one of you...

I just wanted to share one of my favorite photos of my Mom.This was on her wedding day in 1959.

Mom was only 74 when we lost her.. :cry:

(Oh, and I water marked it to keep facebook thieves from stealing it, facebook is a toilet full of pirates)


Thank you again guys, I love you all...

(edit: I corrected the year they married, I kinda don't remember it, ya know.. It's been a looooooong day..)

 

[Anole]

I'm still up. Saw your post.
Knew today was the day.
Thought I'd better see what you had to say.
Now the healing begins.

You know we're always here... through thick 'n thin, rain 'n sleet, life 'n ... so forth.

I've been studying repair guides on youtube for iPhones.
Getting quite the education.
Will probably watch a few more hours of that or regular TV before bed.

I'll go pour a glass of soda and raise it in a toast to dear old Mom.
She was a cutie, and I'm sure your Dad remembers that wedding day well.

Hope you get some sleep...

 

[Blindowl1234]

Dee hang in there. As I watched my mom still in hospice this week its tough. My dad was the breadwinner as well and mom paid the bills. Mom thankfully has showed me the bills and what is what the last month or so. I know its a state of shock for quite a while..I'm still not over losing dad in April. As they say it does get better but never the same. Hardest and saddest part for me is I preached my dads funeral and will be preaching moms as well. But I consider it an honor to say something about their lives..Blind

 

[KE4EST]

Thanks for sharing Dee. She was very pretty. I dread the day when I have to go through the same thing.

 

[pedrogarcia]

I have not been active lately as I am back in Europe until spring. I just scanned Satguys to see what's happening and am so very sorry for your loss, my condolences to you, your Dad and your family.
I remember my Mum passing when I was in my 20s some 30 years ago, it was awful but fond and lasting memories will replace the pain you have presently. God bless.

 

[Dee_Ann]

Thank you guys...

I'm trying to find a moment here and there to smile between the crying..

When I posted last week, I thought that I was going to be spending all my time helping my dad with Mom.
I thought she would be the hospital for a week, maybe two then back home for a long recovery.
I figured she wouldn't be able to household things for a long time, months at least and that was going to be my job indefinitely, assisting Mom.

I just couldn't grasp that things would go so badly, so quickly.


I guess you never know..
Now I have to worry about Dad...

I'm going today to his house and hook his (it's so hard when I have to stop typing and think when I almost use the word "their" :cry satellite back up.
There is nothing at all on local OTA except, um, well nothing... A least the satellite can provide a little distraction from his thought stream..


Thank you guys...

 

[turbosat]

It'll get better in time Dee. Stay busy , keep looking ahead while remembering the good times of the past. Take care.

 

[TimLones111]

Because of having issues with my own satellite dish keeping signal, etc, I really havent been on here much in the last week or so. I just now saw what happened..My deepest condolences..

My mom passed away in 1972 from complications of gangrene (doesnt sound pleasant I know)..She was 48..There were a few tears..I went to my parents bedroom to be alone, then went out to play basketball of all things..It wasnt till after the funeral that I cried..I felt I had to be strong for the family..My dad passed in November 1987 at the age of 69. It took me a few weeks to cry after that...

I am going to be 54 in December myself..I see all the time people 45-50 suddenly pass on..Makes me think of how fortunate I am to be alive... I was only 2' 11" at birth and they were'nt sure i'd make it..In 1957 that was definitely a question. One just never knows..

I can't add a lot to what's already been said..Though I want to say your mother was a beautiful lady..Just continue to stay strong and be there for your dad..((hugs))

Tim Lones

 

[Skyscanner]

Dee, I haven't been in the shack in months and just learned of your loss. I wish I had brilliant words to comfort you, but I don't; I'm at a complete loss as to what to say beyond that we are grieving with you. Many have found comfort in the words spoken about Jesus upon learning of the death of His friend. John 11:35.

SS

 

[Dee_Ann]

Dee, I haven't been in the shack in months and just learned of your loss. I wish I had brilliant words to comfort you, but I don't; I'm at a complete loss as to what to say beyond that we are grieving with you. Many have found comfort in the words spoken about Jesus upon learning of the death of His friend. John 11:35.

SS

Thank you..

The past two weeks have been a surreal nightmare. I waver in and out of denial frequently and I cry a lot.
It's really, really hard. It hurts to lose my mom but it hurts me even more to think of what my dad must be going through.
They were high school sweethearts so they had been together like 60 years (including school dating and 52yrs marriage)...

No one expected this. We all expected mom to be the last one to go, I was certain she would outlive me by 20 or 30 years.

Thank you for your kind thoughts, words and prayers..

 

[AcWxRadar]

Dee,

Hope life is steadily getting back to normal for you. I know it will never be the same, but you must remain tough and strong, for yourself and for your Dad. Your grief will pass, but your memories will not. Niether will your responsibilities to the living. Keep it up!

I wish to tell you about an old woman that I knew. She fled Germany before Hitler took control and came to America. She had dated a German Sailor from WWI before she left. He made her a real "Ship in a Bottle". It was very intricate and we still have that today. Atop the mast was a small flag, flying. Upon the flag he wrote her name... "Bertha". We don't know what happened to this sailor after she came to America, but she evenutally married here. Got divorced and remarried and lost that husband.

To get to America at that time, she had to work as an indentured servant to pay for her passage. She worked for a farmer and his wife here in Nebraska. They paid for her ship and entry fees and train ride to their farm. She had to work for them to repay that debt. Cleaning, cooking and doing farm chores.

She could not speak nor read English. She taught herself how to do so quite on her own. There wasn't any Rosetta Stone things available on the internet back then.

She learned many things on her own. She basically made her own way here in a foreign land. She became tough, but she enjoyed life and wouldn't take "crap" from anyone. She grew her own tobacco, (although she did not smoke) and brewed homemade wine from elderberries.

She did manage to raise a family of three boys and one girl. She saw many things happen throughout her life. WWI, WWII, Korea and Viet Nam. When she was in her early 80's, she developed cancer. The doctors gave her 6 months to live if she would go in for chemo and other treatments. She refused and stubbornly rejected everything that the doctors were telling her. They didn't want her to exert herself and she said told them "That's no life for me! I am going to work in my garden and if I fall dead there, then I fall dead happy".

She beat the cancer without any treatment and lived 15 years longer til she was 97.

Why do I tell you this? It is because of her spirit. You need to have spirit, regardless of when you go. Remember that I said she taught herself to read and speak English virtually on her own? She did so well that she was able to compose poetry in English. When she passed away, there was only one thing that I asked to inherit from her. It wasn't money, it wasn't her home or any great possesion. It was a small plaque. A picture frame with an embroidered poem set inside. This is her poem about her little home, which was a tiny little house next to the railroad tracks on the wrong side of town. Surrounded by more flowers, bushes and trees and bathed in more sunshine than any place on earth, her home was her heart and it was heavenly guided.

Here is her poem...

My Home On Earth

It's only a little pink shack
Across the railroad track.
Which I call home sweet home
Because it is my own.

I am happy here,
The Lord is always near.
He gives me strength to work with love,
And lots of blessings from above.

A garden full of shrubs and flowers,
In which to toil and spend happy hours,
Now I am getting old and gray,
Daily to the Lord I pray.

When I get feeble and too weak to roam,
Then, dear Lord, take me to my heavenly home.

B. F. Spies
1888 - 1985

I wanted to share her sense of courage and joy of life with you, Dee. It might make you sad at first, but you can probably keep this sentiment to remember all the strengths and passion that was within your Mom's heart for all your life and into eternity. It will help you to be strong, too.

Gordy

 

[hd fan]

My Deepest Condolences , I am so sorry for your loss, Dee Ann. Be Strong.

 

[Dee_Ann]

Thank you guys, you all are really very kind....




It's almost a month now and I'm still in shock. I still burst into tears countless times a day at the slightest breeze of a butterfly's wings.. :cry:


I've gotten cards from family, friends and even some of you guys sent cards. I haven't had the heart to open any of them yet. I guess I need to.
Mom passed away on the 14th. I guess on the 14th, tomorrow, I'll sit down and open them.


I need to write thank you letters to a lot of people and I haven't been able to pull myself together enough to do it.
I've let everything go to h*ll here. My house is a mess. I just throw stuff on the floor, mail, paper, junk, trash, everything.
My house looks like one of those places on that hoarders show. Some days I don't even know how many days have passed or what day or week it is.
I walked into my living room and found my plants wilted and near death because I lost track of time and forgot to water and care for them.
I freaked out and go on the ball and pulled them back from the brink, thankfully they recovered and are doing well now.


I'm just a mess now. I'm not functioning at full capacity. I just can't get over this and get things in order and get on with my life.
I manage to do only the essentials of basic survival. Some days I forget to eat. Many days I forget to take my medicines.
I finally figured out a method that I can use to indicate to me if I took my medicines or not. On even numbered days I stand all the bottles upright and on odd days I flip them all upside down.
If I open the cabinet on an even day and the bottles are still upside down then I know I haven't taken them yet and then do so right away. Later in the day I may not remember if I took them earlier so I look in the cabinet and see them right side up. I know then that I did take them earlier that day. It's not possible for me to go two days without my medicine (which would subvert my flipping method) because if I went that long I would be in the hospital.
So at least I've gotten this part of my life back on track. But everything else has gone to pot on me.
I have days where I'm just numb and I can't think or feel, I just function like a mindless robot and some days I can get a little done here and there just because I have to.


I finally fixed my messed up satellite pc this evening, or so I think I did. I guess I'll know in a few days...


Dad had me go with him to Michael's to get some picture frames and shadow boxes. He wants to put together some photos of Moms life and some dried flowers from the funeral and some small items that meant something to Mom and Dad in the shadow box. Of course he has no idea how to go about it, how to pick out frames, etc.. So I had to go along as adviser and consultant.. Dad was never very good at things like that, artsy-fartsy stuff..


And I've had to give Dad some advice on handling life without Mom. He seemed to think he needed to dive in and start doing this and that, cleaning things up (Mom was a hoarder and has TONS of things).. I told Dad to slow down and let things cool down a few months or even a few years. If Mom hadn't of died her stuff would still be there another 20 or 30 years anyway. Leaving it as it is for a year or two will not hurt anything at all. They each had their own space and didn't mess with each other's stuff. And besides, it upsets me that he seems to be so anxious to clean her stuff out so soon. So what I want to do is get rid of all the cr*p in my house, clean it all out so that I have room to move Mom's things over here. If Dad doesn't want to save her things, I darn sure will do it. Really, Mom has a LOT of stuff. I need a whole other house just for all her doll house and miniatures stuff.


It's really, really hard to believe that this is real. In my mind I keep going back and trying to relive that day but with a different outcome. I want my mom back more than anything else in the world.. I just can't accept that she's gone... :cry:


Here's a photo of my patio where I like to sit and meditate. I'm surrounded there by Mom's plants that I inherited and now care for. They keep me in touch with the earth and with Mom's memory.




You can click the small image to see a much larger version of it (25 megapixels)


You can only see about 1/5 of her plants, there are many, many more of them behind where I was standing and to the sides out of the field of view of the camera. It was a night shot with a long exposure (28 seconds) so that's why it's illuminated strangely. One of my hobbies is photography so I've been dabbling in that more lately as a form of escapism.

I don't know... I feel guilty. I feel like I failed my Mom. I feel like I should have known something was wrong and forewarned her to get checked and she would still be alive today.
And I'm P*SSED that she never had a second chance. People have heart attacks all the time and live. A guy I know, smokes like a freight train, he's had more heart attacks than I can count, he's had countless stents and bypasses and eats nitro like it's candy and he's still alive and huffing away on his stinking cancer sticks. Why is he still alive????????? It's not fair...
My mom died without warning and she had no chance at all. None. It really, really p*sses me off!!

Everyone figured Mom would outlive everyone else by many years. Her mom passed away at the age of 99 years. My mom should have lived at least into her 90's... But she just barely made it a month past 74... That, is not fair... :cry:

I dunno... I'm really angry and I want to take it out on someone or something. I want revenge but there's no one I can bash up....
That's not very good of me to think and feel that way. It doesn't fit into the "Right Thought" model.

It's going to be a long time before I can function properly in this world again..
I need to work on my shortcomings, I need to spend a lot more time outside on my patio tending Mom's plants and meditating.

I miss my mom badly... :cry: